Your Child's Coach Wants Them to Ask (You Just Don't Realize It)
Why staying silent is costing your young player opportunities and what happens when they finally speak up
Let me tell you something most parents of youth soccer players don’t realize.
Your child’s coach wants to help them. Like, genuinely wants to help them get better, try new positions, develop skills, get more opportunities.
But they can’t read your child’s mind. Or yours.
And if your child never asks for what they want, the coach will never know they want it.
I’ve coached youth soccer for years, and here’s what frustrates me: at the start of every season, I tell my players the same thing. “If you want to try a different position, learn new skills, do extra training, get more game time, whatever it is, come talk to me. I’ll do everything I can to help you.”
And you know how many players actually come talk to me?
Almost none. Well, one girl in eight years. And her story is a success story, which is kind of what made me want to write this post.
They stay silent. They assume I’m too busy. They think asking would be annoying or pushy. They wait for me to notice what they want and offer it to them.
And then they (and their parents) wonder why opportunities don’t come their way.
Today we’re going to break down why your child needs to start asking for what they want, and why their coach is probably waiting for them to do exactly that.
Why Your Child Doesn’t Ask
Let’s start with why most young players stay silent.
They’ve spent their entire life in school, where the message is pretty clear: sit down, be quiet, do what you’re told.
Raise your hand if you want to speak. Follow the rules. Don’t question authority. Wait for the teacher to call on you.
That conditioning runs deep. So when they show up to soccer, they treat their coach the same way they treat their teachers.
Coach is the boss. They’re the follower. They do what the coach says and they don’t make waves.
But here’s the problem: youth soccer doesn’t work like school.
Their coach isn’t just there to maintain order and get through a curriculum. They’re there to help players get better. To develop them. To give them opportunities to grow.
But they can’t do that if your child doesn’t tell them what they want.
The Other Reason They Don’t Ask
Fear.
Your child is scared of rejection. Scared of looking stupid. Scared of being told no.
What if they ask for more playing time and the coach says they’re not good enough yet?
What if they ask to try a different position and the coach thinks they’re not a team player?
What if they ask for extra training and the coach thinks they’re being needy?
So they stay silent. It feels safer.
But here’s what they (and you) don’t realize: staying silent guarantees the outcome they’re afraid of. They definitely won’t get what they want if they never ask for it.
Asking creates a chance. Maybe a small chance, but it’s greater than zero.
And greater than zero is infinitely better than zero.
What Coaches Actually Want
Let me give you some insight into what’s going on in your child’s coach’s head.
Youth soccer coaches are stressed. Not about whether players are going to ask them for help. They’re stressed about logistics.
How do I balance the team? How do I give everyone fair playing time? How do I design training sessions that work for different ages and skill levels? How do I manage parents who think their kid should play more? How do I keep everyone engaged when abilities vary so widely?
They’re juggling a thousand things, most of which have nothing to do with actually coaching soccer.
And then a player shows up and says: “Coach, I want to get better. What can I do?”
Do you know what happens in that moment?
The coach’s entire face lights up.
Because that’s why they became a youth soccer coach in the first place. To help motivated young players improve.
Not to manage logistics. Not to deal with complaints. To develop kids who actually want to develop.
When your child asks for help, they’re giving their coach the opportunity to do the thing they love most. And I guarantee you, the vast majority will bend over backwards to help.
Research from sport psychology professor Jean Côté shows that athlete-initiated interactions with coaches (where the athlete asks questions or seeks feedback) are strongly associated with positive developmental outcomes and improved coach-athlete relationships. Your child asking for help actually strengthens their relationship with their coach.
The Guaranteed Response
Here’s what I can tell you with absolute certainty: if your child goes to their coach and says “I want to get better, what can I do?” the coach will help them.
Maybe they’ll suggest extra training. Maybe they’ll give specific things to work on. Maybe they’ll connect them with resources or older players who can help.
But they won’t blow them off. They won’t think they’re annoying. They won’t think less of them.
They’ll respect them for having the initiative to ask.
Being a youth soccer coach attracts people who want to help kids succeed. That’s the whole point. When your child asks for help, they’re literally asking the coach to do the thing they’re most passionate about.
Why would they say no to that?
What Your Child Can Ask For
Let’s get specific. What kinds of things can your child actually ask their coach for?
Position changes: “Coach, I’ve been thinking about trying center mid. Would there be a chance for me to train there and see how it goes?”
Skill development: “Coach, I want to work on my weak foot. Can you give me some drills or feedback on what I should focus on?”
Extra training: “Coach, would it be okay if I stayed after practice to work on shooting? Or is there a time I could come in to get extra touches?”
More playing time: “Coach, I want to earn more playing time. What specifically do I need to improve or show you in training?”
Understanding decisions: “Coach, I noticed I didn’t play as much in the last match. Can you help me understand what I need to work on to get back on the pitch?”
Opportunities with higher teams: “Coach, I know I didn’t make the A team, but could I still come to training and help out? I want to learn from watching and being around better players.”
Notice how none of these are demanding. They’re not entitled. They’re just honest questions about what they want and how they can get there.
That’s all it takes.
The Power of the Last One
That last example is huge, by the way.
Let’s say your child tried out for the club’s top age-group team and didn’t make it. Most players sulk, give up, or just accept it.
But what if they asked: “Coach, can I still come to training and help with setting up or collecting balls?”
Here’s what happens:
First, they’re now training with the top team even though they’re not officially on the roster. They might be helping the coach, they might be watching, but they’re learning. They’re improving. They’re staying visible. And they may even get to participate in some drills.
Second, when injuries happen (and in youth soccer, they always do), guess who the coach thinks of first? The player who’s been showing up, helping out, and proving they want to be there.
Third, they’ve demonstrated initiative and commitment. Those are exactly the qualities coaches look for when deciding who to call up.
They turned a rejection into an opportunity just by asking.
The “Greater Than Zero” Principle
Here’s the math that should change how you think about your child asking for things:
If they don’t ask: 0% chance of getting what they want.
If they do ask: Greater than 0% chance of getting what they want.
That’s it. That’s the whole calculation.
Maybe their chance is 10%. Maybe it’s 50%. Maybe it’s 90%. But it’s definitely more than zero.
And more than zero means there’s possibility.
Yes, they might get told no. That’s the risk. But they’re guaranteed to get told no if they never ask in the first place.
So why not take the chance?
This Goes Way Beyond Soccer
Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine in high school.
We were all 17 and starting to get part-time jobs. We asked him if he was getting a job too.
He said: “I’d take a job if someone asked me if I wanted one.”
We laughed. And then we watched him stay unemployed for months while the rest of us were working.
He genuinely believed opportunities would come to him if he just waited.
They didn’t.
Eventually he figured it out. You have to put yourself out there. You have to ask. You have to be willing to hear “no” sometimes.
But once he started asking, he got a job immediately.
The same principle applies everywhere in life:
Want an internship? You have to apply and ask for it. Want a scholarship? You have to put yourself forward. Want to learn from someone you admire? You have to reach out and ask. Want a chance you weren’t given? You have to ask why and what you can do.
Nothing happens by waiting. Everything happens by asking.
Teaching your child this skill in youth soccer sets them up for success far beyond the pitch.
Your Child Has More Agency Than You Think
Here’s what I wish I could go back and tell my younger self when I was playing in soccer academies:
You have way more power than you realize.
You’re not just a cog in the machine, doing what you’re told and hoping someone notices you.
You can actively shape your own development. You can ask for what you need. You can create opportunities that didn’t exist before you asked.
But only if you speak up.
I stayed silent so many times when I should have asked for things. Asked for feedback. Asked to train in different positions. Asked what I needed to do to get more opportunities.
I assumed my coaches knew what I wanted. I assumed if I just worked hard enough, opportunities would come.
And I missed out on so much because of that assumption. I see it even clearer now that I am a coach.
Don’t let your child make the same mistake I did.
Why Initiative Stands Out
Here’s the reality: most players on your child’s team aren’t going to ask for anything. If anything they will moan.
They’re going to show up, do what’s asked of them, and go home. They’re going to wait for the coach to notice them and offer them things.
Which means when YOUR child shows up and asks for what they want, they immediately stand out.
Not because they’re demanding or entitled. Because they’re showing initiative.
Initiative is rare. Especially in young players who’ve been conditioned to stay quiet and follow instructions.
When a coach sees a player with initiative, they remember that player. They invest in that player. They give that player opportunities.
Because initiative is the difference between someone who’s just going through the motions and someone who’s actually trying to get better.
Research from youth development expert Daniel Gould shows that self-initiated goal-setting and communication with coaches are key predictors of continued athletic development and long-term engagement in sport. The kids who ask are the ones who keep improving.
How You Can Help Your Child Start
If asking for big things feels too scary for your child right now, help them start small.
Encourage them to ask their coach for feedback after training. “Coach, how did I do on that drill? Is there anything I should focus on?”
That’s it. That’s a small ask. Low stakes. Easy.
And when they do it and realize the coach doesn’t bite their head off, it gets easier to ask for bigger things.
Then they can ask if they can work on something specific for 10 minutes after practice.
Ask what they need to improve to earn more playing time.
Ask if there’s a way to get extra touches or work on their weak foot.
Each small ask builds their confidence. And eventually, the big asks don’t feel so big anymore.
Your role as a parent:
Don’t ask the coach for your child. That undermines the whole lesson.
Instead, help them prepare. Role-play the conversation at home. “What are you going to say to coach? Let’s practice.”
Encourage them after they do it, regardless of the outcome. “I’m proud of you for asking. That took courage.”
Be Prepared for “No”
Here’s the thing: sometimes your child will get told no.
Maybe the coach genuinely doesn’t have time for extra sessions right now. Maybe the position they want to try isn’t a good fit for the team’s needs. Maybe they’re not ready for what they’re asking for yet. Or maybe the coach is having a bad day (they’re only human).
That’s okay.
“No” isn’t a rejection of your child as a person. It’s just information.
And often, it comes with guidance. “Not right now, but if you work on your first touch and positioning, we can revisit this in a few weeks.”
That’s valuable. Now your child knows exactly what to focus on.
Help them understand: the worst thing that happens when they ask is they get a no and they’re in the same position they were before they asked.
The best thing that happens is they get a yes and unlock a whole new opportunity.
Those odds are worth the risk.
What If Your Child Is Shy or Introverted?
I get it. Not every kid is comfortable walking up to their coach and having these conversations.
If your child is shy or introverted, asking for things can feel excruciating.
But here’s the good news: they don’t have to be loud or extroverted to ask for what they want.
They can send the coach an email (with your help if needed). They can catch the coach after training when it’s less crowded. They can write down what they want to say beforehand so they don’t freeze up.
The method doesn’t matter. What matters is that they communicate, but face to face always trumps email or text.
And honestly? Coaches often have a lot of respect for the quiet kid who gathers the courage to ask for something. It shows they really mean it.
How you can help:
If your child is anxious about asking, help them write it down first. Practice together at home. Build their confidence before they approach the coach.
But resist the urge to do it for them. The value is in them learning to advocate for themselves.
The Relationship With the Coach Changes
Once your child starts asking for things and showing initiative, something shifts.
Their coach stops seeing them as just another player on the team sheet. They start seeing them as someone who’s serious. Someone who’s coachable. Someone who’s invested.
And that changes everything.
The coach gives them more feedback. They invest more time in their development. They think of them when opportunities come up.
Not because your child is entitled to it, but because they’ve shown they actually want it.
That’s often the difference between players who plateau and players who keep improving. Sometimes talent matters less than willingness to ask for help and take advantage of opportunities.
Your Child’s Coach Is Waiting
Here’s what I want you to understand: your child’s coach is probably waiting for them to ask.
They’ve got a dozen or more players who show up, do the drills, and go home without saying a word about what they want or need.
They would love for someone to come to them and say “I want to get better. Help me figure out how.”
That conversation makes their entire week.
So stop assuming the coach is too busy or doesn’t care or would be annoyed.
They’re literally hoping someone will ask.
What About Your Role as a Parent?
Here’s where it gets tricky. You’re reading this thinking “Great, I’m going to talk to the coach about this for my child.”
Don’t.
I know you want to help. I know you want to advocate for your child. But if you ask the coach on behalf of your child, you rob them of the learning opportunity.
Your job is to:
Help your child identify what they want
Practice the conversation with them at home
Encourage them to approach the coach themselves
Support them after, regardless of the outcome
Your job is NOT to:
Email the coach asking for more playing time for your child
Pull the coach aside after training to discuss your child’s development
Advocate directly for opportunities on their behalf
The entire value of this lesson is your child learning to advocate for themselves. If you do it for them, they don’t develop that skill.
There’s an exception: if there’s a serious issue (safety, bullying, genuine mistreatment), that’s when you step in as a parent. But for development opportunities, playing time, and position requests? That’s your child’s conversation to have.
Final Thought
Your child has way more power than they (or you) think.
They’re not just along for the ride, doing what they’re told and hoping things work out.
They can actively shape their development. They can create opportunities. They can ask for what they want.
But only if they speak up. And only if you empower them to do so instead of doing it for them.
Their coach wants to help them. The coach is waiting for them to ask.
So help your child start small. Build their confidence. And then encourage them to ask for the things they really want.
The worst that happens is they hear “no” and they’re exactly where they started.
The best that happens is they unlock opportunities neither of you knew were possible.
Those odds are worth the risk.
On Friday, we’re going to give you a framework to help your child figure out exactly what to ask for and how to ask for it. Including conversation scripts you can practice together at home.
For now, just start a conversation: “What do you wish your coach knew about what you want? What are you hoping will happen if you just wait long enough?”
Because I promise you, waiting won’t make it happen.
Asking might.
And “might” is infinitely better than “never.”
References:
Côté, J., & Fraser-Thomas, J. (2007). Youth involvement in sport. In P. Crocker (Ed.), Introduction to Sport Psychology: A Canadian Perspective. Pearson Prentice Hall.
Gould, D., Flett, R., & Lauer, L. (2012). The relationship between psychosocial developmental and the sports climate experienced by underserved youth. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 13(1), 80-87.
Jowett, S., & Timson-Katchis, M. (2005). Social networks in sport: Parental influence on the coach-athlete relationship. The Sport Psychologist, 19(3), 267-287.